Medical Intern

Everything is possible, and nothing is possible. It’s an issue of win it all, or lose it all. I’m a gambler and my bet is too high. In the end, when I think of it a bit deeper, my head spins in confusion, fear, and amazement. My name is Ahmed, a medical intern, and authorized anesthesia trainee in Saudi Arabia. Currently, my primary aim is to find a sponsor, a hospital, to practice, learn, and work. Indeed, such a journey, seven years long, looks very faint and simple when I match it with such a result; to be a doctor!

First, I’m enlisting my mistakes. I had a clear vision of my target, but I didn’t know how to approach. Stress takes over or maybe it was just my fear disables me. During that, I missed some chances to apply in hospitals, and enforce my CV. Also, I started preparing for MCCEE, the Canadian medical qualification test, a bit late. I wish if I had this qualification earlier, a year before for example. Third, SLE, Saudi licensing exam, the mission impossible, the most unreliable confusing test in my life, I should have learned the illogic beneath it so I could score higher. SLE experience was frustrating because it failed really to measure my real level of knowledge and practice. I figured out during my internship that I was a “good” student, but I’m an “excellent” doctor.

My most powerful pillars in my CV were how I showed interest in anesthesia, my chosen specialty. Indeed, this way I failed to guarantee other option. In the same time, it’s not necessary I secured a position in anesthesia. I tend to neglect other factors which may affect the process of my acceptances. I know I’m not playing on the GPA, grades, and electives bases only. Thinking about this is very exhausting. All I have to do is wishing a better outcome, since I’ve failed to do my best.

Anyway, as an intern I had an extensive chance to be exposed to many cases, procedures and education opportunities. I feel more confident after finishing 9 months when I face a medical case in real life. I’m more capable of making decisions. And to some extent my gratitude is directed to my university, despite all the negative points. For sure, it wasn’t all a pink picnic. I felt some disappointment when I saw the dark side of our practice. I’ve established before that doctors aren’t angels, not absolutely good. Yet, I found out that some doctors are devils.

Stress makes forget. I find it difficult to have a continued line of thoughts. I even forget to write about how stressful the times I pass through. “Stressful times require exceptional measurements.” Still, how can I manage such times? This’s an advice for my colleagues: supposedly if you get approved in Saudi health commission, then you must have a position in one of the hospitals. Therefore, keep calm and Hakuna Matata. Also, spend an elective period in whatever specialty you may possibly choose. What I did was taking an elective attachment in anesthesia while I was a student, in 2010, and then in my internship. Later, I did an intensive care rotation, electively, as it’s much related to anesthesia. This way I make it look really like I’m interested in such a field. 

I’m not sure if I’m speaking like a victorious winner or a loser. What did I lose? My usual Ahmed?! Since the beginning of the time in college of medicine, I always have this battle between my studies and other life activities. It was hard to balance. I’m not sure what I compromised to establish such a solid base of knowledge and practice in my medical field. Maybe it was some of my happiness, wisdom, knowledge, and variety. Still, serving a human life is worth all my time. It’s a sufficient outcome for the time I give, and the other knowledge I may acquire. Apparently, in the last few months, I did rearrange my priorities to be a great doctor first, and then I can be whatever else I want to be. I wish all the interns around the world, in this year and the following years, the best, a more organized plan than I did, and to be successful doctors. 

Troubled Mind

My mind is troubled, and my heart is aching. Honestly, I’m running out of words, yet my brain is crowded with many thoughts, and questions. I’m failing to write what or how I feel. I’m afraid of failing many other quests in my life beside writing. It’s a bit paradox that I write about my failure in writing. Anyway, what if I could answer every question that popped up in my mind? What if I could foresight the future? What if I don’t fail?

Fear alerts me the most. I’m feeling like a deer, which is encircled by many hunters, and can’t find a way out. The fear of being lost, in this huge universe or the tiny atoms, is occupying my thoughts. All I can do is keep wondering how insignificant humans are. Yet, I can’t neglect how massive the feelings inside my little body. Nevertheless, the sensation of being small persists, since my feelings compromise my existence.

Where is the earth heading to? I imagine the universe like a chess board. Very gigantic one, but has borders, and every movement is limited to special regulations. However, I’m sure if there was a steering wheel for our little planet, humans would hit the closest sphere to us. Where am I heading to? In next four months, I should drive my own little world to the safe shores. Sinking or hitting others is not allowed. I would rely on my relative monkeys genes, to avoid human’s foolishness.  

Whole mess could be solved, if I have the absolute knowledge for everything. First thing I want to figure out is what others think. Apparently, I’m ambitious to acquire some divine power. I could tell how old and big the universe is. I could know what exactly myself wants. It’s a bit funny to seek understanding others, while I’m very doubtful of my motivations and desires. “It takes some fear to trust.” Then, I wouldn’t stop in front of any questions. Then I wouldn’t fear any blind spot. Eventually, I would miss the excitement of being right or wrong. I would live tasteless life without mystery. 

I should handle the possibility of being mistaken, with ease. Life is not like physics where laws predict every probable outcome. In two months, I learned that failure is a possibility. It was like dividing over zero, but now it’s real. The world wouldn’t collapse if I mess up. Yet my world has already been shaken and stunned. I’m not the center of the universe, I’m not the ever shining star, I’m just a regular guy who would dice and dice blindly, until I win my gamble, or lose in most of the times. Therefore, no tear is to be spilled, when the chances give me a cold shoulder.

How real I’m if I’m not sure of my thoughts. It’s really troublesome when I neglect my whole presence due to that fact. René Descartes says: “I think, therefore I am.” The most certainty a human being may experience is the ability of processing thoughts. Since the absolute evidence of existence is the presence of a functioning brain. That means those who can’t think are not real. Also, you only are certain about your own thoughts, since you can’t tell if others think. This way I can build a whole world inside my brain. That world has to be true, even if it’s not physical, because it’s produced by my brain. Yet, to prove our existence, we could be an idea inside somebody else brain.

Yeah, I’m living inside my own world. Other way around if I’m only sure of my existence, then nobody else is real. Thus, I’m alone in this world. Furthermore, I’m afraid of dying alone. I can’t foresight the future. Otherwise, I would undo many done mistakes. Would that alter my destiny? Less likely, regardless all the cautions and measurements to prevent a disaster, its occurrence is irrelevant to our mistake. It’s an incidence which is independent by itself.  In the end, nothing was wrong except the time and the place. And if the place wasn’t invented, then time wouldn’t be initiated.

Rationalist

I wanted to publish a blank entry, maybe just punctuating marks. I am starting a new phase in my life, and first sign I complain of is time shortage. This article could be boring and medical oriented. However, I am human before being a medical student, and soon to be an intern. So, the writing could be my last trail to defy my human existence, as it’s really compromised. What keeps me human is my ability to imagine. Recently, I have been imprisoned inside reality cage. I always think I am immortal, this was reinforced by my dreams. I am really shocked, I am mortal.

You can’t plan for a blind end project. This is my major problem for now. I have to arrange for my elective abroad. So, I have to choose a rotations schedule that fits the following: my elective inside Saudi Arabia, and the one outside. However, the former should be before the selection exam for anesthesia in Saudi, and the later shouldn’t conflict with all my 3 or 4 other tests. In same time, it must be in April or May. So, I need only to figure out the assigned dates for the exam. This whole plan is based on one solo pillar: I want to work on anesthetist. What if I don’t in future?!

Ok, the rest of the article in punctuating marks. Believe me those made my life very easy, especially in the last 4 weeks. I am growing up, and again I don’t count my age as numbers, to avoid looking old, beside many other reasons. We established last weeks, that time is experiences not numbers. So, I experienced the feeling of whole family with me in Riyadh, for first time. The main concept in their presence is I am their sponsor, in particular my mother’s health issues (total knee replacement). I questioned in my first day, if six years in medical school, were sufficient to handle stressors successfully. In the end, I was a doctor.

We don’t walk to progress in life, we jump. Apparently, this is the season to decide how my life will be after 20 or 25 years at least. I made up my mind regarding the work and social position. Socially, Al-Ma’arri is appealing to me. He minimized his social interaction to be mostly excluded to his students. Indeed, a part of his isolation is contributed to his greatness. Though he was blind, he was pessimistic, like he could have seen the misery and reality of human beings by a visualizing eye. So, less interaction with humans is more time saving. And more time I have, more I can contribute to Al-Ma’arri legacy.

Attributing to Al-Ma’arri efforts, I may ask: why should we insist on bringing more humans to suffer this earthly hell? As far as I know, there is no heaven upstairs to make up for these disasters we may pass through in our solo lives. The other part of our misery is that children, according to the blind man, just inherit the troubles their parents had left for them. I could notice that when it comes to inherited blood diseases, on lesser perspective, and on religions on a larger one. What a sorrow, even for a newly born baby, there is no starting over point.

Dirac Equation

My part of the story wonders, what if I weren’t born. In end the, Al-Ma’arri ended up as a dust and manure, and so will I. The last sentence is not an answer. What if I were immortal? What if this life were just a dream? Then, why am I just thinking and fighting to survive? Is there an implied idea of immortality or after life inside human being’s instinct? This reminds me of one of my unanswered questions 2 weeks ago, where I wondered about atom’s particles speed. Indeed I should take a deep look to Bohr theory, and the quantum physics before daring to mention this topic. However, what I wanted to suggest is the possibility of the presence of energy, to some extent, inside each mass regardless its speed. If the speed of sub atomical particle is expressing high or low or any value of energy, then this energy could be what makes the soul or life inside the solid (or whatever liquid, gas) mass. This way, according to energy saving law, the soul is immortal as energy is, and that means our soul is transformed inside the atoms to other forms of existence, aka, reincarnation.

The whole article reflects a big time disturbance inside of me. Especially when I mix all the physics theories, the valid and non-valid to make an idea regarding soul. I am really disturbed, and part of this prevents me of doing my usual life activities. I need to write in order to live. I need to read in order to survive. And last weeks I couldn’t come up with any idea. Specially, I failed, terrifying failure, to write a poem, a literature article, and a speech, all are in Arabic. Maybe I just lost my ability to communicate in Arabia language. On the other hand, I really find myself lonelier, I find it more difficult to speak or express myself to others. I find myself more like Al-Ma’arri. 

Lines of My Life

”And on the pedestal these words appear: ‘My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!’ Nothing beside remains.” I’m a sub-intern medical student. During my 6 years studying, I did master various skills. I explored inside many hidden treasures, and dead corpses. I discovered numerous alters for reality, and every time this happens I could see the world differently. Now, all I have to do is running for 3 months more to graduate and start my internship. Then, I’m leaving behind me a story of 6 years of a spoiled boy in Riyadh. Nevertheless, the boy grew older. His vision has sharpened, yet gotten shorter. His voice, the girly voice, has deepened. And curls are being drawn all over his soft tight skin. It’s time to anticipate the change.

For some reason, I ceased to appreciate medicine. It was my worship, when I was a bit younger. It could be related to be a student in such a stupid place. However, I thought in order to be skillful, I have to take medicine with me outside the hospital. In fact, I’m trying, recently, to draw borders between my personal life and soon to be career. Therefore, I stopped giving any consultation or advice outside the hospital, there are some exceptions like my parents or close friends. Ok, studying medicine is like cancer, it may invade every aspect of your existence. Indeed, I have to stop in front of the big question: “what is my mission on earth?” Yet, I’m afraid or, I think it’s too early, to stand up for an answer.

And what will my position be when I start my internship? I do live the illusion of the healer, not Jesus style, he may revive, and I wish I can prevent. Most probably, I shall have 2-3 weeks off, before starting the practice. How can I upgrade my inner software to fit the new hardware? Ok, let’s start and categorize, like good doctors do. I have work, family, community, financial, and future aspects that I want to consider. Maybe I need to be more aggressive with colleagues and doctors, in the same time, more gentle and caring to my patients. I must be very accurate not to make any mistakes. In short: dedicated to medicine. Wow these aspects may take a whole entry and I planned for a shorter dialogue.

I was locked in a tunnel for 6 years. I’ve never imagined I could see the light on the other end. I am concerned that I became a bat, or a vampire. A vampire that is on charge on people’s blood and flesh. I developed day time or light blindness. I have photophobia, I can’t face or cop with new reality. Briefly, I lost all my humanly characters, because of the maltreatment I had received in King Saud University, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. So, tell me please: how can I plot my future? I realize planning is a missing theme, in Arabs in general and Saudis in particular. Soon, we will find the job market in Saudi Arabia over stocked with huge quantities of under qualified doctors.

Apparently, I want to be a good doctor. But before that, I should fill the gap in my soul to be a good human being. Being good doesn’t mean being kind. It’s really pointless to heal people while I keep bleeding inside. On the other side, as my importance grows bigger for my family and community, my self-esteem is shrinking inside my thin body. And I keep standing in front of my life wondering what my mission is. At one point, I may stop all this interaction with people and medicine to go to a lonely mountain and live in separation. Then, I die in silence, shall I? Immortality is the pursued purpose in my life; nevertheless, I can’t fulfill it until I die.

I don’t tend to clarify or define myself, as only wrongdoers need to do so. However, regarding my future hostile behavior toward my colleagues, they deserve it. When I first met my classmates, they were like male mermaids, i.e.: male nurses, very attractive and appealing. I planned to befriend all of them. My frustration reveled how those medical students are pure devils. Greed, meanness, cheating, mistrusting, and hypocrisy are characteristics common between most of my colleagues. I can’t understand how human beings can contraire everything they intend to show. My short term mission in college of medicine is destroying the propaganda of King Saud University elite students. Until then, what is my mission? More lines in my life could provide the answer.

Thank u for debi-chiru to provide me with the picture.

اليوم الإلكتروني - المحليات

دورات تأهيلية للمشاريع الصغيرة ودراسة معوقات الشباب انطلاق فعاليات برنامج الأميرمحمد للشباب بالقطيف السبت المقبل

جعفر الصفار - القطيف

جانب من الزيارة تنطلق يوم السبت المقبل فعاليات وأنشطة برنامج الأمير محمد بن فهد لتنمية الشباب، أكد ذلك المشرف العام على برنامج الأمير محمد بن فهد لتنمية الشباب الدكتور عيسى بن حسن الأنصاري خلال زيارته لبرنامج الأمير محمد بن فهد لتنمية الشباب فى فرع البرنامج بمقر جمعية القطيف الخيرية بالقطيف مساء أمس الأول مشيرا الى اهتمام وتوجيه صاحب السمو الملكي الأمير محمد بن فهد بن عبد العزيز أمير المنطقة الشرقية ودعمه لفئة الشباب بالقطيف باعتبارهم أساس التنمية. واشار الأنصاري فى كلمته خلال الزيارة الى وضع معايير لخطط دورات تدريبية وتنويع الأنشطة المختلفة، ودراسة العوائق التي تواجه الشباب، وتـلمـس احتـياجـاتهـم وإشراكهم بالبرامج المختلفة وتثقيف الأسر وتفعيل دورات تأهيلية وتدريبية للمشاريع الصغيرة وتمويل الدعم لهم، إضافة إلى البرامج الترفيهية ومنتدى الابداع الشبابي في الشعر والنقد الأدبي والفنون التشكيلية والاستفادة من طرح الأفكار الهادفة لسياسة البرنامج بتنمية المهارات الاجتماعية والنفسية والثقافية والأدبية. ثم ألقي مدير فرع برنامج الأمير محمد بن فهد لتنمية الشباب بالقطيف عصام الشماسي كلمة ترحيبية كاشفا ان برنامج الأمير محمد بن فهد لتنمية الشباب يمثل أملا للشباب والفتيات نحو مستقبل افضل عن طريق مساعدة ذوي التعليم المحدود على التدريب واكتساب المهارات وتأهيلهم للتوظيف فى اعمال تتوافق مع معارفهم واحتياجات سوق العمل ونقل الشماسي شكر وامتنان اهالي محافظة القطيف لاهتمام سمو أمير المنطقة الشرقية بتقديم العون اللازم للشباب لتهيئتهم ليقوموا بدور مسئول وجاد في حياتهم المستقبلية بعد تزويدهم بالمعارف والمهارات التي تمكنهم من اداء مهامهم بنجاح وتوفير برامج تأهيلية تساعدهم في الحصول على وظائف بسوق العمل أو بدء مشاريع صغيرة خاصة بهم. وعرض أمين البرنامج بالقطيف أحمد الفرج موجزا لانجازات وطموح فرع برنامج الأمير محمد بن فهد وأضاف بأن برنامج الامير محمد بن فهد لتنمية الشباب نجح فى القيام بخطوات لاعداد كفاءات سعودية مؤهلة قادرة على التعاطي مع متطلبات العمل في القطاع الخاص واستطاع تدريب آلاف الشباب والفتيات خلال الاعوام الماضية لخوض سوق العمل.

اليوم الإلكتروني - المحليات

First line..

My life is just like these papers.. line-less.. full of expectations, and many unexpected events..
so, I'm not sure how it would end.. though I feel the end is approaching soon..