Lines of My Life

”And on the pedestal these words appear: ‘My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!’ Nothing beside remains.” I’m a sub-intern medical student. During my 6 years studying, I did master various skills. I explored inside many hidden treasures, and dead corpses. I discovered numerous alters for reality, and every time this happens I could see the world differently. Now, all I have to do is running for 3 months more to graduate and start my internship. Then, I’m leaving behind me a story of 6 years of a spoiled boy in Riyadh. Nevertheless, the boy grew older. His vision has sharpened, yet gotten shorter. His voice, the girly voice, has deepened. And curls are being drawn all over his soft tight skin. It’s time to anticipate the change.

For some reason, I ceased to appreciate medicine. It was my worship, when I was a bit younger. It could be related to be a student in such a stupid place. However, I thought in order to be skillful, I have to take medicine with me outside the hospital. In fact, I’m trying, recently, to draw borders between my personal life and soon to be career. Therefore, I stopped giving any consultation or advice outside the hospital, there are some exceptions like my parents or close friends. Ok, studying medicine is like cancer, it may invade every aspect of your existence. Indeed, I have to stop in front of the big question: “what is my mission on earth?” Yet, I’m afraid or, I think it’s too early, to stand up for an answer.

And what will my position be when I start my internship? I do live the illusion of the healer, not Jesus style, he may revive, and I wish I can prevent. Most probably, I shall have 2-3 weeks off, before starting the practice. How can I upgrade my inner software to fit the new hardware? Ok, let’s start and categorize, like good doctors do. I have work, family, community, financial, and future aspects that I want to consider. Maybe I need to be more aggressive with colleagues and doctors, in the same time, more gentle and caring to my patients. I must be very accurate not to make any mistakes. In short: dedicated to medicine. Wow these aspects may take a whole entry and I planned for a shorter dialogue.

I was locked in a tunnel for 6 years. I’ve never imagined I could see the light on the other end. I am concerned that I became a bat, or a vampire. A vampire that is on charge on people’s blood and flesh. I developed day time or light blindness. I have photophobia, I can’t face or cop with new reality. Briefly, I lost all my humanly characters, because of the maltreatment I had received in King Saud University, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. So, tell me please: how can I plot my future? I realize planning is a missing theme, in Arabs in general and Saudis in particular. Soon, we will find the job market in Saudi Arabia over stocked with huge quantities of under qualified doctors.

Apparently, I want to be a good doctor. But before that, I should fill the gap in my soul to be a good human being. Being good doesn’t mean being kind. It’s really pointless to heal people while I keep bleeding inside. On the other side, as my importance grows bigger for my family and community, my self-esteem is shrinking inside my thin body. And I keep standing in front of my life wondering what my mission is. At one point, I may stop all this interaction with people and medicine to go to a lonely mountain and live in separation. Then, I die in silence, shall I? Immortality is the pursued purpose in my life; nevertheless, I can’t fulfill it until I die.

I don’t tend to clarify or define myself, as only wrongdoers need to do so. However, regarding my future hostile behavior toward my colleagues, they deserve it. When I first met my classmates, they were like male mermaids, i.e.: male nurses, very attractive and appealing. I planned to befriend all of them. My frustration reveled how those medical students are pure devils. Greed, meanness, cheating, mistrusting, and hypocrisy are characteristics common between most of my colleagues. I can’t understand how human beings can contraire everything they intend to show. My short term mission in college of medicine is destroying the propaganda of King Saud University elite students. Until then, what is my mission? More lines in my life could provide the answer.

Thank u for debi-chiru to provide me with the picture.