Anne Boleyn

Anesthesia

It feels like an orgasm to touch the keyboard again, typing. I hope you feel the same by reading my words. I don’t really plan to explain the variables, which prevented me from writing. However, I didn’t find a spot here in the East, as such the one I enjoyed in Riyadh, yet. And as long as it’s an orgasmic action, it needs a special place. Like you can’t practice sex in the street. As sex just popped up, I think it has a huge impact on the human being. In the end, we’re alive because of it, and we live just for it.

I was intending to talk about my internship. Anyway, I would postpone this topic until a later time. For now, I’ve changed. For example, I have a purpose of my life. I have a particular person to make happy. I have a career, which really occupies all my time and thoughts. Also, I have great future plans for it. I don’t need to ventilate as I used to do. Yet, I have many unanswered questions, and unfulfilled quests, which I will hunt along with you.

My life transformed from lineless events to ruled notebook where everything is calculated, measured, and titrated.  For sure the change from being unemployed to volunteer in surgery department, ER service resident, ICU service resident, being accepted in the anesthesia program, then granting the sponsorship of the ministry of health, and resign to be sponsored by another hospital, all in less than one year is a story worth telling. I finally find the courage to disclose it to you. Since I was very much afraid of failing.

One more issue, should I publish every Friday as I used to? Maybe after the weekend changed in Saudi Arabia from Thursday and Friday to Friday and Saturday, I have to change too. So far, we’ve been talking about how I’ve changed. So why not to change this, too? I don’t think the religious teachings will be altered according to my new desire. This’s very risky business; manipulating a religion to fit your demand.

We have Anne Boleyn and her crazy lover, King Henry VIII. What the girls should learn from this incident is that being easy won’t get you anywhere. Henry pursued her for seven years, after the first glance. Anyway, her sister, Mary, was easy going with the king. That could be the reason to save her ass, I mean head.

Education, especially abroad, is the key for a successful girl. I encourage any Saudi female to learn outside this country. This way we can reform Saudi Arabia, as England was reformed under the hands of Anne. As the king was married to Catherine of Aragon, the daughter of Spain king. She was initially betrothed to his deceased brother Arthur, in order to establish a strong anglo-Spanish alliance against France. However, Henry was badly in love with Anne. So he annulled his marriage to Katherine and declare their daughter, Mary as illegitimate. That led to the separation of the English Church from Rome. Since then, the king or the queen, like Elizabeth the first, is the supreme authority for the church. You may name it the guardian of the faith. 

A person should never underestimate the power of females. Countless wars happened because of beautiful women. Also, the male weakness may drive him into a tyrant. Henry weight was about 180 kg; his waist diameter was about 150 cm. Most probably the man was diabetic. Therefore, he could have impotence. Many other theories were claimed to explain the attitude, alternating mode, and absence heir for him. Syphilis is one proposed explanation. Though, I think it’s less likely. This’s a bit tricky topic. There’s an interesting movie called: “the other Boleyn’s girl.” If you’re interested, you may fancy watching it sometimes.

It took me too long into the dazzlement by the bright star of my life. To be honest, completely honest, I used to write and imagine nobody would read what I rubbish here. But now, I feel some sort of responsibility, of being observed and watched. Just now I could feel that mistakes count, and I don’t want to commit any. All sudden, I’m a doctor trusted on lives. All sudden, I’m a husband, and the thread, which connects me with this fine lady, is so tense. I mean it’s not like studying to pass, or raising a child to be a good one, it’s whole different perspective of life, or two lives. How to spend the rest of my life after unanswered questions? Yet, I found the greatest quest in life; happiness. Maybe in Saudi Arabia, we’re born with a credit of happiness, but we shouldn’t run out of it. I’m very happy now, overjoyed; yet all I have to do is maintaining this happiness and joy. 

The anesthesia is courtesy of Rockfield.

Medical Intern

Everything is possible, and nothing is possible. It’s an issue of win it all, or lose it all. I’m a gambler and my bet is too high. In the end, when I think of it a bit deeper, my head spins in confusion, fear, and amazement. My name is Ahmed, a medical intern, and authorized anesthesia trainee in Saudi Arabia. Currently, my primary aim is to find a sponsor, a hospital, to practice, learn, and work. Indeed, such a journey, seven years long, looks very faint and simple when I match it with such a result; to be a doctor!

First, I’m enlisting my mistakes. I had a clear vision of my target, but I didn’t know how to approach. Stress takes over or maybe it was just my fear disables me. During that, I missed some chances to apply in hospitals, and enforce my CV. Also, I started preparing for MCCEE, the Canadian medical qualification test, a bit late. I wish if I had this qualification earlier, a year before for example. Third, SLE, Saudi licensing exam, the mission impossible, the most unreliable confusing test in my life, I should have learned the illogic beneath it so I could score higher. SLE experience was frustrating because it failed really to measure my real level of knowledge and practice. I figured out during my internship that I was a “good” student, but I’m an “excellent” doctor.

My most powerful pillars in my CV were how I showed interest in anesthesia, my chosen specialty. Indeed, this way I failed to guarantee other option. In the same time, it’s not necessary I secured a position in anesthesia. I tend to neglect other factors which may affect the process of my acceptances. I know I’m not playing on the GPA, grades, and electives bases only. Thinking about this is very exhausting. All I have to do is wishing a better outcome, since I’ve failed to do my best.

Anyway, as an intern I had an extensive chance to be exposed to many cases, procedures and education opportunities. I feel more confident after finishing 9 months when I face a medical case in real life. I’m more capable of making decisions. And to some extent my gratitude is directed to my university, despite all the negative points. For sure, it wasn’t all a pink picnic. I felt some disappointment when I saw the dark side of our practice. I’ve established before that doctors aren’t angels, not absolutely good. Yet, I found out that some doctors are devils.

Stress makes forget. I find it difficult to have a continued line of thoughts. I even forget to write about how stressful the times I pass through. “Stressful times require exceptional measurements.” Still, how can I manage such times? This’s an advice for my colleagues: supposedly if you get approved in Saudi health commission, then you must have a position in one of the hospitals. Therefore, keep calm and Hakuna Matata. Also, spend an elective period in whatever specialty you may possibly choose. What I did was taking an elective attachment in anesthesia while I was a student, in 2010, and then in my internship. Later, I did an intensive care rotation, electively, as it’s much related to anesthesia. This way I make it look really like I’m interested in such a field. 

I’m not sure if I’m speaking like a victorious winner or a loser. What did I lose? My usual Ahmed?! Since the beginning of the time in college of medicine, I always have this battle between my studies and other life activities. It was hard to balance. I’m not sure what I compromised to establish such a solid base of knowledge and practice in my medical field. Maybe it was some of my happiness, wisdom, knowledge, and variety. Still, serving a human life is worth all my time. It’s a sufficient outcome for the time I give, and the other knowledge I may acquire. Apparently, in the last few months, I did rearrange my priorities to be a great doctor first, and then I can be whatever else I want to be. I wish all the interns around the world, in this year and the following years, the best, a more organized plan than I did, and to be successful doctors. 

Odds

I’m trapped between the tides of hope and despair. I plan to pick a water drop, a particular one which guarantees the eternal happiness and wellbeing. I thought initially that a human being journey starts from a drop of water, or semen, and extends to rule the seas and oceans. Apparently the odds of my existence are similar to find out that exact droplet. I was lost before I’ve arrived, and it’s foolish to expect that I’m going to be found inside this terminal.

Honestly, the idea which I try to deliver through this whole article is how difficult the phase I pass through. I imagine myself like, a pin, a guy surrounded by countless pathways. I can’t determine my destination. Nevertheless, I have a little clue about how it looks like. I imagine, again, that I’m a doctor in the middle of the space. I don’t have any idea where, how, or when. All I have to do is studying, working, and practicing. Simply, I can’t handle this number of variables. I can’t control my future. Alas, who can control the future?

Unfortunately, I’m not only bound to make a decision regarding my career. So, a guy, or a pin implanted in the middle of the fourth dimension, where I have the option to progress in any direction. Yet, I can’t go back through the time, because I’m the time. How can I redo myself? How can I be uncreated, or recreated in other shapes or forms? If reincarnation is true, I wish to be a rock in my next life. Death itself is very fortune option, since we need be alive in first place before dying. Time itself needs space to exist. How correct is the contrary? My odd of existence is almost one to one and 2685000 zero next to it, simply zero. And my options how to spend this life is only one and 268500 zero next to it.

I think, I took the wrong turn in the previous paragraph. Still, I insist moving in the same direction. Humans, us the current species, weren’t here in 200 thousand years ago. The fact that we can burn the oxygen, to make energy inside our cells, wasn’t viable idea until two billions years ago. This ability is very unique considering how toxic oxygen is. Anyway, Oxygen wasn’t abounded in our atmosphere initially. Still, the first evidence of life stands almost four billions years ago. Just like what I mentioned earlier, many extraterrestrial beings may not rely on such gas to live and flourish. Humans are very fragile, very transient phase, and soon I believe they would extinct.

I’m sick of masks that people are wearing. It’s shocking when I observe the poor placing the mask of wealth, also, for the rich to disguise as a Tyrant. The strength is not inspired from the finical status, or the mask which covers an individual face. How fragile is that piece of fakeness and phoniness. To tell the truth, talking about options and possibilities raises the question of free will. Indeed the first question to be asked in the middle of all those coincidences and big deal of luck, did we arrive to earth by our own wish? An individual can’t choose to be born, but how free is one individual to terminate own life?  In the end, what’s the meaning of our lives? Given that the atoms which build our cells will contribute one way or another to the major spirit of universe and the minor life along this planet.

How attached are we to the building unit inside our bodies? The answer may define the soul, the life, and the free will. There’s a wrong belief about inability to utilize more than ten percent of our brain capabilities. The amusing about this misconception is to what extend we can control the atoms inside our cells. How can we control cells? This way, we may reverse much pathology. How free are we? I have no clue. Are we just a video game? Gladly, I finish my article again with more question marks!

the picture: Maybe the moon is missing by Crina Prdia.

Eyes up!

It’s time to blow the dust. Every morning I woke up I repeat this sentence. I expect to have a better day, more productive one. For my surprise my energy gauge drains quicker than my prediction. I contribute that to suturing patients in labor ward after delivery. Wow, I just said it like a Sir without using the V word. Oh, I screwed it up.  As my energy runs out, my thoughts follow it. I’m running out of thoughts, blank inside, shiny outside.

Earthy phenomena stopped amusing me recently. When it comes to such, all my thoughts were toward reinventing the wheel. I mean, we all think for a minute that pale blue dot, and the creatures over and beneath are unique. Stop it please, we’re not, I’ve seen the worse in humanity. Best guess; we’re just an accident or coincidence. Mathematically, there must be other forms of life around our galaxy and the whole universe. In our galaxy alone, there’re around 17,000 inhabitable planets, according to “HabCat” Catalogue. How many are other galaxies around us? Our unique phenomenal existence could have been repeated concurrently or previously, just like a sand grain in a desert. I bet, in the end of the day all creatures in our planet and other neighbors have one creature. Still, what does make a planet livable?

Best guess, we’re made of star dusts, thank you Carl Sagan. We’re the outcome of thousands of millions of years of nuclear effusion and reaction. It takes so long time and so much energy for an atom to be created, and then exploded into dust or a heavier element. The impact carries such minute particles away, to be attracted by another field of gravity. We’re talking about millions of years, and of so much wasted or invested energy. I emphasis on such values as they’re really huge, massive, and gigantic, I just stand dazzled in front of them. That’s excluding the initial process when the big bang took place. This way, most likely, our universe was instigated. How many are other universe there? Just like there’s a universe inside each one of us made of countless atoms. Inside each atom, there’re subatomic particles, a complete different universe, and in such tiny particles, they’re many sub universes. In such universes, I dare to question the laws of physics.

So, is really life restricted on the presence of water? It’s just a star dust. Where does the energy required for life come from? Does it really require a divine power? Then, what’s the difference between an isolated amino acid, the main intergradient to build protein, outside and inside of the living being? A lovely experiment, Miller-Urey experiment, showed the possibility to create such amino acids only by using electrical current.  This way Talsa would be the new god. Beside water, we always claim that carbon is the cornerstone for any living structure. I mean that’s the basic of organic chemistry and the whole dexta structure glory. Back to amino acids, they’re just some carbon, oxygen, hydrogen, and nitrogen. Those are the components of the first earthly life pool. As we make more gadgets out of silicon, it could be other lives substitute for carbon. Also, ammonia can replace water. Above all of these questions, can we soon escape from earth to other spheres? Humorously, that’s called panspermia!

In one Arabic novel, a patient in a mental hospital was only crazy about or due the universe. He keeps repeating: “you know, prof, how big is the universe?” How old, how it happened, and how this planet was created, and how we arrived to it. Silence is the best answer, because once you start knowing, you would just listen more to the universe, and to answers. Indeed, such a big bang would have an impact, and each bang in the universe has a distinctive sound. How does the big bang sound sound like?

My wheel, which I plan to initiate, is a series of articles about the universe. I mentioned the word “answers” earlier, donating a replay to unanswerable questions. All we have is possibility, likelihood, or a sci-fiction, not answers per se. Those could be repetitive, reinventing the wheel again. Yet, this place is so massive that it can accumulate my ideas regarding its massiveness. In contrary to my feeling of the earth is too narrowed for me to stay. So, I’m leaving it to the stars.

The Message

This’s not a paper slipped inside a bottle, where ocean’s waves control its destination. It’s not a leaf, a golden one, when the autumn’s hand touches it, it falls. I doubt if my message has the form of a paper, or contains words. I fail to describe this category of phrases, since it’s so pure, so white, and so sincere. I’m afraid that words, eyes, or even a gentle wind of early April may carry some dirt, or defect, or envy to what I really hold inside my heart. Believe me, it’s the heart where all the emotions take place. And it really does so, by manipulating the blood supply to the brain!

If I could, I wish that only you may read this rubbish. Nevertheless, it’s only you whom my words to. Ok, I want to sum it up from the beginning, so no need to continue reading. How to sum it up? It’s the feeling which makes me laugh and smile like an insane man. Euphoria, except there’s a reason, and it’s not alcohol.

Knock, knock! They had left. Can you please open the door? We’re inside an old British cottage, near some shire where you and I only know. I’m neither afraid nor ashamed. I’m proud of being here, between your two eyes, and confident that my decision is correct. Yet, it’s cold outside, let me make some tea. Sit down, my fine lady. I’m here until the night to serve you. You know, for years I used to write and complain. This time, how can I complain of happiness? I used to have troubled mind, but when I see you, the storm stands still, and turn into kind waves of peace. Did you enjoy the English breakfast tea? I like to see the impact of your lips over its surface. So, you want to see how your face, angelic face, would turn my deepest pain and selfish emo into exploding pleasure and old 70’s hippie. 

Your face, the surface of a creek, descending from the highest mountain an eye can witness. I can’t prescribe it further. Let’s just walk under the tender sun of November, where the shadow of that mounts tend to go a bit south. Let’s inspire the warmth, while the sun is chill, from each other’s hands. When I look into your face, I realize how far I’m from the human world, you’re my world. I wonder along your facial characters and figure out that the language we both speak has no words or phrases. Don’t talk, I’m placing my finger over your lips, don’t talk please. Remember, how flattering to see your lips touching the edge of that cup. Your colorful eyes spread me with emotions.

We walked hand in hand. My fingers pray not to be taken away from yours. You see how childish they play among each other. And when you press my hand, you just want to transfer an impulse of emotions which ask me to hug you. Do you remember that scene in “The Inception” where they approach their dreamy world? The ocean is hitting and collapsing the empty buildings. I don’t know why I mentioned it here. Let’s just hug, we’re just between the horizon and god vision. Let’s just hug!

Feminine, per se, is ideal. I know you’re not going to be a prophet while you can have the divine power. I’m sure the least power you practice is making me smiling. Your circle of influence expands to make everything within go into orbits around you. Do you think I exaggerate? Please don’t, as I feel ashamed to tell you how chaotic my life was before. Nevertheless, the balance I witness among my atmosphere is all contributed to your gravity and attraction.

Picture From Arden Ellen Nixon. Message in a bottle. Website

Super Mario

It’s comforting to write in a blank paper. The feeling of no boundaries is taking over. This way I can overcome the illusion of being watched. It’s not clear why this particular idea disables me from writing, like I’m not doing anything wrong. However, the guilt sensation is implanted deep within my subconscious.  Still, the red line varies based on many factors, like being abroad. That’s why I rely on traveling to be inspired again. I don’t mean that Saudi Arabia has something against creativity. It’s probable that a negative atmosphere aborts the ideas from my little caring womb, I mean brain. Apparently, the practice of obstructive medicine is affecting me.

I’m trying to find a factor to blame for my recent flee. I’m not back to my optimal status, I’m just used to the new compromised condition. Living over the knife’s blade, where everything may collapse if I spill. To tell the truth, I just have been exposed, rashly, to the real world. Does it always have to be bad to be real? Does happy ending exist only in fairy tales? So, is it really stepping over a knife blade? I wish if life was just like a video game, were you die and restart from last saved point. Honestly, I deal with life in same manner. Yet, either I play easy mode or I’m an excellent player. I died only once.

I didn’t give up the idea of unreal world we live into. Yet, who’s punishing me? Also, is the guilt sensation a punishment oriented? I know that Adam and Eve action after eating the apple is feeling shamefaced for breaking divine order. I need to make it clear, that I deal with religion as folklore stories, as something lacks solid evidence. It’s nice to mention that the apple resembles the knowledge, or the insight. Thus, they figured out they were naked and started dressing. Why did they feel guilty in first place? Some psychiatric disorders based on the idea of being punished because of being loved by the punisher.

Anyway, as I’m afraid of the punishment, I have a glimmer thin thread of hope for forgiveness. Though, I’m not a sinner. It’s funny that last time I wrote, I asked for forgiveness and I do it here again. So, the feeling of fault is profound, why is that? Indeed, a part of it is due to my absence from my dear readers.   

In the end, I’m comfortable saying that I can stand and observe each sentence I wrote, as they hold a deep meaning and story beneath it. I wrote once in Arabic about being imprisoned inside a room. That room is surrounded by broken mirrors; all its four walls are composed of broken mirrors. I see my reflection for countless times, yet that’s a broken and disfigured image. I assume if that mirrors were intact, I would end up with paranoia personality disorder. However, I was broken. I hope I broke that handicap. I’m back, wiser probably, or more fool, more probable.  

Nostalgia

I stand statically, a quiet music plays in the back of my head, and notice the time passage. I see the wind storms the faces, clouds paint beards and hairs, rain floats over sad eyes. I can appreciate myself aging while observing how people around me get older. Still, I'm young, as a template not as a spirit. To tell the truth, as we get older we become sadder.

It’s amusing to blow the dust over the shelves of my memory. To rediscover what was hidden along the days. To find the perspective I saw events through. To remember some mistakes, and shamefully figuring out that I didn’t learn from my mistakes after 4 years. A human being is born with his/her own flaws. It’s not easy for oneself to chance. Maybe the outer shield grows less or more with days. However, the inside core is still the same.

Last sentence I wrote in this diary was 4 years ago. Reviewing it makes me questioning of what has changed. I’m still the same fragile person. I found out there’s nothing for me in the past. Also, my brain could really deceive me to believe that I had graceful past. I’m really surprised to see how my memories are reformed the way it feeds my ego and support my arrogance. I’m not sure if I acquired some built in capabilities to utilize when I face same or similar scenario. To tell the truth, reading through my past reinforces the mistrust in myself. 

I run out of topics. Maybe it's just the time to quit and review what I have established: self-deceiving. I realize I'm just a fake picture of greatness, yet, nothing related to it. Apparently the strong and well-constructed self-image has been shaken. I'm shaken. And while I write this, my eyes are full of tears. I don't find it insulting when a man cries. It just reflects the strength in its weakest points. 

So, more suffering and agony produce more beautiful and artistic pieces. Can I reach a life without pain? And if so, would it be less creative? Am I sort of pain addict? Many believed that pain motivates the most. I admit publishing once that sex motivates the most, but I’m changing my mind. Still, the question was asked many times: was it worth it to ache for the sake of writing outstanding article or poem or paint or do music? On one scale, the human legacy, I think that I trust somebody, someday, to write or establish something better that I or you did. I want to be a step for civilization to climb closer to beauty, peace, and perfection? Are you willing to do the same? On the other hand, is my weak should capable to bear the weight of the world?

The sea of memories is very stormy and wild. I’m not sure if I soon regret opening these diaries. I mean, it’s not like Pandora's Box, but for the record my initial reaction was sneezing and coughing. Currently, I’m having something like stomachache. I fear that my heart soon would ache. However, as I opened this book, I have to say sorry, and I mean it, to many people I did hurt in 2008. Also, to those who harmed me, I forget and forgive you all. Good night & Merry Christmas, everybody.

Troubled Mind

My mind is troubled, and my heart is aching. Honestly, I’m running out of words, yet my brain is crowded with many thoughts, and questions. I’m failing to write what or how I feel. I’m afraid of failing many other quests in my life beside writing. It’s a bit paradox that I write about my failure in writing. Anyway, what if I could answer every question that popped up in my mind? What if I could foresight the future? What if I don’t fail?

Fear alerts me the most. I’m feeling like a deer, which is encircled by many hunters, and can’t find a way out. The fear of being lost, in this huge universe or the tiny atoms, is occupying my thoughts. All I can do is keep wondering how insignificant humans are. Yet, I can’t neglect how massive the feelings inside my little body. Nevertheless, the sensation of being small persists, since my feelings compromise my existence.

Where is the earth heading to? I imagine the universe like a chess board. Very gigantic one, but has borders, and every movement is limited to special regulations. However, I’m sure if there was a steering wheel for our little planet, humans would hit the closest sphere to us. Where am I heading to? In next four months, I should drive my own little world to the safe shores. Sinking or hitting others is not allowed. I would rely on my relative monkeys genes, to avoid human’s foolishness.  

Whole mess could be solved, if I have the absolute knowledge for everything. First thing I want to figure out is what others think. Apparently, I’m ambitious to acquire some divine power. I could tell how old and big the universe is. I could know what exactly myself wants. It’s a bit funny to seek understanding others, while I’m very doubtful of my motivations and desires. “It takes some fear to trust.” Then, I wouldn’t stop in front of any questions. Then I wouldn’t fear any blind spot. Eventually, I would miss the excitement of being right or wrong. I would live tasteless life without mystery. 

I should handle the possibility of being mistaken, with ease. Life is not like physics where laws predict every probable outcome. In two months, I learned that failure is a possibility. It was like dividing over zero, but now it’s real. The world wouldn’t collapse if I mess up. Yet my world has already been shaken and stunned. I’m not the center of the universe, I’m not the ever shining star, I’m just a regular guy who would dice and dice blindly, until I win my gamble, or lose in most of the times. Therefore, no tear is to be spilled, when the chances give me a cold shoulder.

How real I’m if I’m not sure of my thoughts. It’s really troublesome when I neglect my whole presence due to that fact. René Descartes says: “I think, therefore I am.” The most certainty a human being may experience is the ability of processing thoughts. Since the absolute evidence of existence is the presence of a functioning brain. That means those who can’t think are not real. Also, you only are certain about your own thoughts, since you can’t tell if others think. This way I can build a whole world inside my brain. That world has to be true, even if it’s not physical, because it’s produced by my brain. Yet, to prove our existence, we could be an idea inside somebody else brain.

Yeah, I’m living inside my own world. Other way around if I’m only sure of my existence, then nobody else is real. Thus, I’m alone in this world. Furthermore, I’m afraid of dying alone. I can’t foresight the future. Otherwise, I would undo many done mistakes. Would that alter my destiny? Less likely, regardless all the cautions and measurements to prevent a disaster, its occurrence is irrelevant to our mistake. It’s an incidence which is independent by itself.  In the end, nothing was wrong except the time and the place. And if the place wasn’t invented, then time wouldn’t be initiated.

Missing Ear

Vincent Willem van Gogh

I’m sick of this world. I need to take a deep breath and ignore the fact that I’m writing for others to read. I’m writing for my own sake, unleash the pen. I’m sick of people, to tell the truth, I lost faith in people. When we treat weak people poorly, only because they’re weak, that means we are losing the moral code which judges us. Survival for the fittest is a completely viable concept, but I project to apply it on those creatures who are alike me. I believe to measure how community is civilized, we should figure the extent of poor and weak people inside the community. The relation between how civilized the community is reversely proportional to the ratio of poor people to others.

What does make an action valid morally? Is the answer different from an individual to another or from an individual to a group? I don’t recall last time I’ve asked myself about the rightness of my actions. As I mentioned earlier, I don’t have to think or take a charge for any consequence may follow my actions. Still, are we justifying our actions based on the after-action facts? You can’t tell if whatever you did is correct or wrong, until you observe the result. That means a thing by itself can’t be labeled as a sin or goodness. Indeed, that’s the mechanism religions work, I mean what if I drink alcohol in a moderate amount and stay at home, what’s wrong about it? Nothing, but God may punish me later on.

So, what makes an action valid morally? I met a young guy on the airplane, he was handicapped due to a road traffic accident. I sat next to him, he wanted to talk, and I listened to him. Then, he was very grateful and thankful to find somebody to talk to. What would change if I just ignore him and continue listening to my music? To tell the truth, the feeling of satisfaction for helping somebody was enough for me. So, the morality of an action can be determined based on its impact on the self-image of an individual. So, drinking alcohol in public where prohibition is practiced may affect my self-image in a community. Therefore, stealing would polish a thief image, and catching that thief would make a police officer feels great about his/her self-image. 

I’m reaching a paradox, I can’t determine the rationality of my argument. Since I can’t tell if something is correct or wrong, I can’t step further to discuss the conflict of interests. It’s invalid logically. The dialog inside my head leads me to conclude the inexistence of morals. Then, I can walk naked in public. Really, what prevents people from doing everything that comes up in their minds? What makes them feel good or bad when they do things?  We need to have holistic approach. Yet, to understand how primitive sometimes it’s, we need to investigate how our brain functions. We have two different systems one is to seek pleasure and another to punish.

Forget the rubbish, human brain physiology is easy way out. The main justification for everything we do is the self-interest. We’re selfish by nature. And the best way to allure people doing what you want them to do is playing on the thread of self-interest. Every little thing, good or bad, even self-destruction is based on the selfishness motivation. Yeah, I lost faith in people, and I’m one of those people. When I see my world collapsing around me because of one thing, and only one thing, and I can’t control it, because I don’t care about anybody but myself. Then, I can understand how greedy I am, how greedy human beings are.