January 2018

Day of Doom

I’m surprised that humanity didn’t reach its doom, by January 2018. Many prophecies in my lifetime predicted the end of the world. Also, I’m amazed that my vocabulary evolves to include phrases as such as: “in my lifetime”, or “in the last 20 years.” I kept revisiting the concept of being old whenever I create a music playlist. It’s funny when I play 90’s or early 00’s song to the young generation and tell them: “this song is older than you.” Definitely, I have some songs which are older than me too. My Spotify account is: “sweetmare” I welcome followers.

As I’ve grown into my early thirties, which could be my recent writing theme, I have too few new things to try for the first time. I remembered writing like 8 or 9 years ago about the list of things I want to do before reaching 40. Anyway, I strive to inspire joy from little things I do. The fun of making a music playlist is immeasurable. All I can say that it brings back nice memories of the last 2 decades of my life. It’s funny how difficult it was to obtain a CD of good music. It was only available in wma format, mp3 wasn’t created yet. So, you can squeeze only 60 or 70 minutes into a CD. I remember going far and beyond in Damascus roads and old neighborhoods to have Backstreet Boys or N’sync last albums. How I could wait for hours to download a single audio file. Everybody is enlisting the new year resolution and my resolution is a music playlist and resume blogging.

My father generation’s witness the “jump” in basic life needs. You know, here in Saudi Arabia 60 years ago, there were no cars, stable electricity grid, or sanitary infrastructure.   Yet, we survived and still living the information revolution. I really wonder if all the humankind knowledge and everything we create or produce is available online. It’s far beyond music, books, or porn for all that matters. If interested, the "pornscope" episode on the Big Mouth show did a nice illustration. The big data where everything can be told or monitored. So, the basic idea; is all the produced and preserved porn through our civilization, which extends for more than 100 thousand years, uploaded on the internet? That could be the ignition of an endeavor to spend a “lifetime” only on the net. Then, after a person expires, we all fancy that he/she could save everything stored in their mind somewhere on the cloud. Imagine if we can do that for Shakespeare’s or Einstein’s or even for Stephen Hawking’s brains.

I’m sure all of you are aware of Einstein’s brain story. How Thomas Harvey, a pathologist at Princeton hospital, stole Einstein’s brain after his death and underwent a tremendous amount of troubles in order to save it. Afterward, the brain was studied extensively, and some slices were sent to scientist around the globe. Last study to my knowledge was published in 2014 restating that Einstein’s brain structure and cells proportion is different than other humans. So, what makes an individual smart, criminal, or poet? Anyway, what’s brilliant about Einstein that he didn’t want to be idolized. He wanted his remains to be cremated and scattered secretly. You can refer to this article.

I decided to start writing again, on monthly bases. I’ll publish on the last day of every month. That could be the only way to keep a piece of me alive long after I pass away or my super inflated ego thinking “Einstein” of itself. Indeed, Arabic communities being too passive relying on producing a hire as a guarantee of eternity. Nah, I’m kidding, this is just a water drop which will be lost and long forgotten in the ocean of the scary internet. Until next month, I thank my beautiful wife for trying her best to spare me a time to write.

CanMEDS

Two weeks ago, Feb 5, 2014, I was invited to a course sponsored by my hospital. The CanMEDS Framework is an initiative by The Royal College which describes seven rules for a competent doctor. The one day course was held in The Novotel Business Center. It was conducted by two physicians from National Guard Hospital, a pediatrician, and  an obstetrician. All the residents of the hospital were invited, but fifty only attended including a rotating residents in the hospital.

The Novotel has a good advantage of spacious parkings outside. The lobby is very big, and well lit by the sky light. There’s a coffee shop and the seats are crowded with what looks like a businessmen, in contrary to Sheraton, where the atmosphere is more chitchat and friendly. The meeting room on the ground flood was medium size. It was very irritant and shaken by the ventilation ducts for the AC. The sound system was average. As I suited in the first table, I think people on the back faced difficulties listening and looking. The lunch was good, with wide varieties of food. However, we where assigned to specific tables. For the rest of tables, were for other companies. 

The workshop was running too rapid to catch up with the schedule. It was very good of the tutors to start on time. However, the contents were supposed to be covered in two days, at least. They emphasized on some points which were supposed to be directed to fellows, at least, or consultants. They tried to be interactive, involve the participants, or start a small groups discussion. In addition, they used some video clips to demonstrate some points. Again, the time was very limited. For sure, I’ve learnt something new after this workshop. However, are we ready to integrate such changes or improvement in our programs?

First, it’s a very nice gesture of the hospital to invite us. The aim to improve the residents and expand their knowledge, competency, and efficacy is always appreciated from our centers, specially non academical institutes. According to the mentors, another session a day later will be suited for the senior stuff in the hospital. That gives me more hope to be on same page, and have same expectations, with my directors and seniors in the hospital. Specially, with a proposed framework which implements many changes, modification, and nonacademic activities. This, hopefully, may facilitates the process of observing a different approach in teaching residents, as well to involve us in such activities. 

After this course, I had an example to compare my current situation to. Indeed, the Canadian model is more advance and richer. So, what’s CanMEDS? A patient centered approach is the most essential pillar in the healthcare. This should be a definite point, as the patient is the primary receiver/costumer for our services. However, dealing with the super inflated ego doctors is a major obstacle to deliver the service. Also, many doctors lack the skills in fields which intersect with the medical knowledge, or clinical skills. In addition, professionalism with patient and colleges is a fundamental aspect for a competent doctor. Throughout the day, we passed through the seven roles in CanMEDS framework. And I have a lot to say.

The roles are: Medical Expert, Communicator, Collaborator, Manager, Health Advocate, Scholar, and Professional. To be a better doctor, a physician should obtain these skill. I discussed few points in the previous paragraph, and I realize the discussion may expand longer to cover such roles. You may reach the website to read more about them.  What prevents us from applying such framework in our residency program? A doctor timetable for one day covers most of these rules. You should be expert always. We talk and listen or try to listen to our patients. Honestly, listening is an important skill. I learned to ask  patients after conducting my interview if they have any questions. Yet, their lack of knowledge in my field limits their question to the time and length of surgery.  We manage the resources; humans and materials around us. We read research papers, we learn, and teach on daily or weekly basis. But all this may pass unnoticed by us or by the director/moderator. Therefore, the course is conducted for seniors and juniors.

The major difficulty is: the perspective of a resident here and in Canada. We can’t partially adopt a model, either we take it all or leave it. The resident is a cheap labor who is expected to work until exhaustion. The situation varies from a center to a center, but in general we only work, mechanical work, like robots. Meanwhile, in the other side of the world, residents don’t take a twenty four hours on call, or more, like what we have here. In many occasions, a research paper which is made by the resident will have a consultant name before him or her. Most of the times, a resident will be limited to work in the clinical setting excluding him or her from being involved in the decision making on the level of a policy, program, or department. Until we become consultant, the consultant thinks of us as immature doctors. Anyway, I don’t want to be pessimistic, many things start to change, and I hope to witness the change. 

How to improve the image of the health stuff? This was encountered briefly during the workshop. The answer provided by the mentor was to follow an organization which regulates, protects the stuff like the saudi health commission. Still, the commission isn’t capable of controlling all the doctors under its umbrella. Despite the meticulous process of approving and verifying the doctors credentials, fatal mistakes occur. Beside that, our community is medically illiterate. I would blame mainly the doctors, as they lag behind applying the role of health advocate and promoting medical education.

To sum it up, the fact of arranging the course by the hospital is a promising gesture. The tutors were very thoughtful and helpful. We’re learning something outside the clinical side, this will provide the community with more competent doctors. This way, we may regain the sympathy and trust of our community.

Why Anesthesia?

The first rule is: "Be humble." That's all it takes. This is the initial advice of my mentor, and it’s the one which he emphasized on the most. It may reflect on every aspect of my life. As it drives me to realize that all the knowledge I have is nothing in comparison to the universal knowledge. It makes me more sympathetic with juniors and appreciating the seniors. Modesty puts everything in order. Yet, why doctors, in general, are arrogant? 

It took me 7 long crude years to be a doctor. During that period, I've seen people around me graduating, starting families, establishing businesses, and moving around. All I had is my books, my mild depressed attitude, and a big wholesome of worthlessness. Children can't appreciate the time. It's pointless to promise them for something tomorrow or after a month or a year. A direct reward system is the best for them. Some over grows this habit, however, it's stuck with a lot. In my scenario, I didn't come to realize how long it may take for me to reach the goal, until I chose medicine. This's a big dilemma for high school graduates. How are they supposed to choose their life path while they lack knowledge and guidance? Also, not to confuse guidance with imposing or forcing an option.

I will be at least 35 until I start my golden time of my career. Then, I should be a consultant, an active member in forming health policies, and a successful husband and father. Still, in reflection, every time was a golden period. Because, I didn't expect a peaceful period. There is always a battle going on. As I win, it's always a golden time.  And as perspectives vary dramatically along people, everybody has his or her own battles. Despite that, we live to prosper and flourish. This's our only chance. In the fact, we could be the only chance in this massive universe. Or, we're the first prototype, aren't we? Since our universe is very young to have an opportunity to formulate a smart life form. It took around 13 billion years to provide, gather, and interact all the elements to create us. For sure, it'll need longer to have a smarter form. 

From anesthesia to the universe is not a far trip. We deal with physics, chemistry, and biology of micro and macro scale. Though, it's not like high school or university, for there's always a life on the steak. I'm now on the first step of my trip in this field. I'll build and be built from scratch. Yet, I feel like there's a big bang inside of me. There's a lot of energy, enthusiasm, and hunger to learn and work. For the sure, the universe has a purpose. So, is it called luck to choose something I like, to find out later it leads me to another thing I like more? 

Every specialty reflects its own character on the doctor behaviors. I think anesthesia reflects quietness, self control, discipline, and modesty. Why is the modesty? Because despite how expert I may become, I should know that my abilities alone may fail me. So, in contrary to surgeons, anesthetist shouldn't be fooled by their skills and competencies. So far, I did around sixty intubations. Would you imagine my feelings after 600 or 6000 intubations? Here lies the trick. 

Let’s talk practical anyway. My choice is based on personal preferences. That doesn’t mean everybody choosing a particular specialty have similar personality. I prefer short term encounter with patients. I’m self centered when it comes to appreciation. I don’t need someone to thank me or acknowledge my efforts. In fact, I forget the patients I deal with quickly, as they do. I wish they did, as I remark to my success with the status of amnesia. I like to utilize my medical knowledge, and anesthesia is more like a combination of surgery and medicine. We deal with a wide variety of morbidities, surgical conditions, and in remote areas. In contrary to internal medicine, I have different skills and direct intervention. Most of the times, our management is absolute, not compensatory. In contrary to surgery, we manage the airway, we know how to deal with medical conditions and emergencies. I like to see a quick outcome. I’m the pain killer. Also, I’m the master of the OR. And it’s very easy for us to put people to sleep. Do you imagine how important sleep is, especially when a person suffer amnesia? Also, I like well controlled and quiet atmosphere like the operating room. Anesthesia is a relatively new field which is promising to expand and offer more opportunities. 

Anyway, after a long journey of studying, working, and practicing I'm here starting from point zero. It's too early to formulate a future plan, but I shouldn't delay such step. However, I’m very lucky to start with an excellent mentor who is very helpful and concerned how to formulate my career life. I’m building out of scratch by him. And the six month's encounter I had with him will be engraved in my memory, style, attitude, skills, and knowledge. It's too difficult to catch up with everything, and my time is short, but I’ll try and keep trying.

Anne Boleyn

Anesthesia

It feels like an orgasm to touch the keyboard again, typing. I hope you feel the same by reading my words. I don’t really plan to explain the variables, which prevented me from writing. However, I didn’t find a spot here in the East, as such the one I enjoyed in Riyadh, yet. And as long as it’s an orgasmic action, it needs a special place. Like you can’t practice sex in the street. As sex just popped up, I think it has a huge impact on the human being. In the end, we’re alive because of it, and we live just for it.

I was intending to talk about my internship. Anyway, I would postpone this topic until a later time. For now, I’ve changed. For example, I have a purpose of my life. I have a particular person to make happy. I have a career, which really occupies all my time and thoughts. Also, I have great future plans for it. I don’t need to ventilate as I used to do. Yet, I have many unanswered questions, and unfulfilled quests, which I will hunt along with you.

My life transformed from lineless events to ruled notebook where everything is calculated, measured, and titrated.  For sure the change from being unemployed to volunteer in surgery department, ER service resident, ICU service resident, being accepted in the anesthesia program, then granting the sponsorship of the ministry of health, and resign to be sponsored by another hospital, all in less than one year is a story worth telling. I finally find the courage to disclose it to you. Since I was very much afraid of failing.

One more issue, should I publish every Friday as I used to? Maybe after the weekend changed in Saudi Arabia from Thursday and Friday to Friday and Saturday, I have to change too. So far, we’ve been talking about how I’ve changed. So why not to change this, too? I don’t think the religious teachings will be altered according to my new desire. This’s very risky business; manipulating a religion to fit your demand.

We have Anne Boleyn and her crazy lover, King Henry VIII. What the girls should learn from this incident is that being easy won’t get you anywhere. Henry pursued her for seven years, after the first glance. Anyway, her sister, Mary, was easy going with the king. That could be the reason to save her ass, I mean head.

Education, especially abroad, is the key for a successful girl. I encourage any Saudi female to learn outside this country. This way we can reform Saudi Arabia, as England was reformed under the hands of Anne. As the king was married to Catherine of Aragon, the daughter of Spain king. She was initially betrothed to his deceased brother Arthur, in order to establish a strong anglo-Spanish alliance against France. However, Henry was badly in love with Anne. So he annulled his marriage to Katherine and declare their daughter, Mary as illegitimate. That led to the separation of the English Church from Rome. Since then, the king or the queen, like Elizabeth the first, is the supreme authority for the church. You may name it the guardian of the faith. 

A person should never underestimate the power of females. Countless wars happened because of beautiful women. Also, the male weakness may drive him into a tyrant. Henry weight was about 180 kg; his waist diameter was about 150 cm. Most probably the man was diabetic. Therefore, he could have impotence. Many other theories were claimed to explain the attitude, alternating mode, and absence heir for him. Syphilis is one proposed explanation. Though, I think it’s less likely. This’s a bit tricky topic. There’s an interesting movie called: “the other Boleyn’s girl.” If you’re interested, you may fancy watching it sometimes.

It took me too long into the dazzlement by the bright star of my life. To be honest, completely honest, I used to write and imagine nobody would read what I rubbish here. But now, I feel some sort of responsibility, of being observed and watched. Just now I could feel that mistakes count, and I don’t want to commit any. All sudden, I’m a doctor trusted on lives. All sudden, I’m a husband, and the thread, which connects me with this fine lady, is so tense. I mean it’s not like studying to pass, or raising a child to be a good one, it’s whole different perspective of life, or two lives. How to spend the rest of my life after unanswered questions? Yet, I found the greatest quest in life; happiness. Maybe in Saudi Arabia, we’re born with a credit of happiness, but we shouldn’t run out of it. I’m very happy now, overjoyed; yet all I have to do is maintaining this happiness and joy. 

The anesthesia is courtesy of Rockfield.

الوقت!

إلى حياتي، و عمري، و زمني الجميل:

لا أعرف كيف تطفو فوق صفحة وجهي غياهب أحزاني. البارحة عندما افترقنا جاهدتُ طويلا حتى اغتال العبرة. صفاء وجهك يغيب، عجبي، وراء ردف الباب. سرعان ما تمتد ورائك أشعة النور. الشمس لا ترحل غرباً! وقفت بعدها أسيراً داخل اطار زمنيٍ يختلف عن المعتاد بين الأدميين. انتظرك، أتطلين بعدها؟ حسبت أثماً أن الاكتفاء منك يأتي سريعاً. تباطأت الثواني في عبورها، كأنها عصور. عاد صدى ضحكاتك، بطيئاً لمسمعي. و تجسدت من رحلة الضوء عبر بيوت الذاكرة صورة لبهائك: حديقتا ياسمين، و ثمرتا تفاح، و ساحل تلاطم عند ضفافه هائج الموج.

يصعب الاعتياد على أبجديات البهجة. أنا طاعنٌ في الزمن السحيق. صراعي كان مريراً مع الوقت. يجهد ثوانيه أن تتغلب عليَّ، و أنا أمانع، احتال، أفر من حساب بعض الأيام. أَطعَنُ حيناً، و لا اهدأ حتى ارد الطعنة طعنتين. غداً سآلف الحروف، لاتهجأ كلمة السعادة. ستكون تلك كلمتي الأولى في يومي الأول من ميلادنا. بعدها ساعتاد الكلمات المبتسمة لأصنع عباراتٍ مستبشرة برانيا و أحمد.

ما الوقت؟ يتوقف الزمن مذهولاً ليتأمل حسنك و بهائك. كأنك فينوس، لامست صفحة الماء الساكنة فعجت بالحركة. حياتنا الطويلة في حسابات البشر التعيسة، قصيرةٌ جداً حين تتسارع بها لحظات السعادة. أخافُ الهَرِم، أن أسقط مع أوراق الخريف. أن تجف عروقي في صقيع الشتاء. الوقت هو رحلتي في عالم المكان، و تشهد حواسي تغير الفصول، سعياً وراء الممكن من إيجادكِ، التبصر ببعضكِ، و تجلي الفيض رقيقاً إذ أكلمت محيط الدائرة. ساعاتي تختلف مداتها، و كذا المكان، نسبيةٌ أبعاده. تعلمين يا نجمتي المضيئة أن عرشكِ الصغير أرحب من القصر الكبير. و أن مسار الأرض الإهليجي أسهل مروراً في قطره الشمالي من ذاك الجنوبي.

كنت عاصف البال، كالبحار باحثاً عن ينبوع الخلود الأبدي. ثم أبحرت في صفاء عينيك لأعلم أي الأرواح تلك التي تطل من نافذتيك. الروح التي نفخت مع دقات الساعة الأولى في عمر الزمن.  في حضنك الدافئ وجدتُ مينائي... أيها الميناء الذي تغفو فيه مساءاً سفني. اتزود الرؤى، لابصر البحر المتلاطم، شبر ماءٍ وديع. تغفو فوق سطحه الأحلامُ عندما أضجع بين الراسية و المنارة. ألجمت سراجاً على سطح الدار، و أتيت لكِ مسرعاً. أنت مينائي، هدأت عند مرساكِ اسألتي، و لملمت فيها كنوزي لاحرقها. و غفت فوق صفحة النور ساعات الزمنِ، و سكن المكان عن الحركة!

أنا و الكون

إلى حياتي، و عمري، و زمني الجميل:

تبدو الحروف تحت أناملي مختلفةً. تتراقص إن غفلتُ عنها، و سرعان ما تهدأ إذ التقى طرفي بهدبيها. كل الأجسام هكذا، تدفعها الأنظار سعياً وراء الكمال. لا أزعم مُلكَ سرِ النار، إنما ازداد في اقتباس جدوات الضوء عندما تلاحظيني. عيناكِ تدفعاني إلى الركض، سريعاً، حتى حدِ الطيران. من المضحكِ تطايرُ الأفكار داخل رأسي في حضرتكِ. و يضحكني أكثر استشهادي بفيزياء الكم، لإثبات مكنونات القلب.

تكراراً تسأليني لمَ ثقتي بذاتي مهزوزة؟ كبريائي بخيلائه تدور حوله أفلاكٌ و شموسٌ و كواكب. إحساسي بالضآلة متأصلٌ في ذراتي عندما أدرك اتساع الفراغ بداخلها. كم ناجيتك عن رحلة الجسيمات الضئيلة هذه داخل أفئدة النجوم لمائة الملايين من السنين التي لا تدركها ساعتنا الذهنية. و أُثبِتُ لكِ بالدليل الذي تخشع له أَذنَيك أن الذراتِ التي أزعم تقبيلها فوق شفاهكِ هي لا شيء إلا غبارُ نجومٍ سحيقة. بالغٌ في السخف كبريائي!

لازلتُ أتعلم أبجدياتِ البوحِ لك. ثقتي ترتابُ سعيها إرضائكِ. كلما تعلمتُ أكثر ازددت جهلاً. و كل سؤالٍ يجاب، يضعني بمواجهة عشرات الأسئلة. لا توجد نهايةٌ للمعرفة، و كذا لحبكِ. قد أغلق كتبي، و أحرق أوراقي، و أهجر مخبئي، بحثاً عنكِ. أين أراكِ؟ في جنات الياسمين، أو حدائق التفاح، أو سهولِ الشطآن العاصفة؟ أراكِ، كالفيض الإلهي، مشرق يعشي العيون. مضيء في ذاته، منعم بتفضله، و رحيم إذ أشع دون أن يحرق. يزداد النور تجلياً، لازداد جهلاً بسره، كأنه الديجور الأعلى، يرى و لا يدركُ.

في نجواي همستُ لك عن مسالك السماء. كيف استحوذت على عاقلتي، فاستحقرتُ كل شيءٍ دونها. و لسابق علمي استحالة ادراكها بعظمي الضعيف، تعاظم داخلي إحساسٌ بالعدمِ. لمَ نستحق كل هذا الجهد لنُخلق، ثم نطغى، و ننسى النشأة الأولى، و نفنى، لنعود في كرةٍ أخرى، أجساماً أو شبه أجسام؟ كان الشيخ الرئيس يؤمنُ بخلود الأرواح. لكل ذرةٍ فينا روحٌ و سجلٌ يمتد بعمر الكون، لتَحُلَّ في حياتنا هذه داخل عينيك. تبصرين بها، و إذ ترين فهي ترى قبل أن نخلق، و تبحثُ فيما تبصر عن ذرة ألِفتها في نجمةٍ من مجرةٍ أخرى، أو برهةٍ من عصرٍ سحيق.

أنتِ الوجودُ الذي ابحث عنه، و الروحُ التي تسعى جوارحي في سبيل وصلها. أنتِ الكون الرحبُ، و أنا العدمُ. أبقى فوق البسيطة الزرقاء متأملاً أنجمكِ، و الأقمار التي تنيرُ وجنتيكِ. و أعلم في جهلي أن الطريق طويلٌ حتى استعيد ثقتي بذاتي أمام مكنونك أسراركِ و خفايا تكوينك. 

الصعود إلى القمر

إلى حياتي، و عمري، و زمني الجميل:

هشة هي مخاوفي، و إن كانت ضاربةً في العمق. تكاد نسمة الهواء الرقيقة أن تهزها و تذهب بها سحيقاً، فمن أكثرُ رقةً منكِ كي تزيلها من جذورها؟ أضطربُ إثر أفكارٍ مُوقِنٌ ظنونها و كَذِبِها، و أحارُ، أنَّ لي مواراتها تحت حجاب الأمل. مزعزعةٌ ثقتي بالأيام، و يعز عليَّ أن نبدأ الإبحار في موج عاتٍ أهوج. ستحملين زاداً شحيحاً، و كذا أريد، فسرعان ما يتغير اتجاه الريح و يصل حائر الموج إلى قرار.

أخاف تعود بث همومي لكِ، و أن تدمني تعاطيها، و أنا رجلٌ ذو شجون. أقلق إثر قطرةِ الندى، تسلكُ سبيلاً فوق وجنتيك. و أخشى من تهاوي الأوراق خريفاً أن يُنشِزَ مغناكِ. آه، كم تلذ لي لحظة من الزمن الجميل، يحملني فيها نهداك خارج حدود الزمن، و نقاط التفتيش، و فواصل الطريق. تلعمين جهلي بسبيل مخدعك، و يحلو لكِ انتظارَ محاولاتي رمي نافذتك بحصاةٍ أو رسالةِ حب. و أدعوكِ فوق البساط الطائرِ إلى رحلةٍ نلامس فيها سقف السماء، و نجاور النجوم، ثم نأخذ غفوةً في جنانِ الياسمين. إيهٍ، و لي فيها جنتان.

لا أريد الصعود إلى القمر وحيداً. سنهربُ من تلك الأفواهِ التي تنثر الضغينة فوق صفحة البياض. نَسترشِدُ نبض قلبينا في سبل السماء. رحلة الفضاءِ، ألين عريكةً من الإبحار في موج مجهولِ الشطآن. سأزعم مُلكَ النجوم، و أنتِ قمري، تطمع في جيرتكِ كل الأفلاكِ. سيهدأ عاصفُ البال، و يخلدُ في سكون الليل.

يوجدٌ أثر في شفاهك كالحشيش، يحملني من طي الترقب إلى فسيح الأمل. و في عينيكِ إكسير حياةٍ سيأخذني، يغسلني، و أدخل كمن لا عهد له بعبادة الأصنام، دين: أخاف اللهَ فيكِ.

تبدو لكِ شكوايَّ ضئيلةٌ، و أنت كالملائكة تستشرفين الحياة من نوافد الجنة. و تصغر بحور الهم في صدري عندما أروى، عذباً زلالاً، تنزَّل ليرفعني. و هَمَّ بعنابك القاني، وارد سقيى، و ينبوعَ ماءٍ صافي.

أحاول حمل الحروف تجاه ظني السيئ، فأُعصى في قلمي، و يشاءُ مثل ما تشائين. تطلبين إغماض عينيَّ، و أشرع في رحلة الوصلِ. رؤوس أناملك تنتظر البحار "بعد طول مشقةٍ" فيحلو له المبيت و الإصباحُ في المرسى. 

القلب الوجل

إلى حياتي، و عمري، و زمني الجميل:

قلبيَّ الوجلُ،        

تترأى في مقلتيه الأسئلة،

و صورٌ من الزمنِ الجميل

باهتةٌ

عانقها الموجُ

يأخذ الرماد بعيداً

و تبقى المنفعة.

كيف يراكِ؟

سئم النبضَ منتظراً إياكِ.

وجنتا ياسمينٍ

و عنابٌ

و قبلٌ تعوم بين الأثير

و المخيلة.

تخشى أن يمسها من نورك شيءٌ

فتُحرَقَ!

أنتِ ذات الجمال،

و إن أغضت عينيَّ عنها

أراكِ الكمالَ

تهاوت تحتك عوالمٌ

متشابهات

و متناقضات.

و يقين الباصرة،

في ظنونها صدقت;

أنكِ بنت الملائكة.

سأغفو لحظةً

تُخطفُ من مقلتيَّ سريعاً

علها تعودُ

بموعدٍ كان ضرباً من الجنون

حملني الشوق فيه:

أضغات أحلامٍ

و صلوات الملك الأقرب.

حفه حجابٌ مضيءٌ

فيغشى "القلبَ و ما هوى."

يا صنيعة النور

و جنة الياسمين

و نبرة الحزن التي

أكتمها،

عندما تضحيكن.

جثت لك

أحمل إرث الليالي

باغتها الفجر و بعدُ لم تنامين

أثقلت كاهلي فيها

قصصٌ ينسجها

قلبٌ وجلٌ

و ظنون بعضها سُئلَ،

و أخرى لا تعلمين.

6/5/2012

Humanity!

Humanity

I just had left the hospital. Every time I have to work on weekends or late times, I think why am I here? Is it an obligation or an option? Indeed, I’m honored when I work to save souls, relieve pain, and improve life quality. Yet, how does my work make the difference? Usually the service provided in hospitals is below average. We’re talking about standers of care. On a lesser scale, all I have to do is optimizing my care to the patient better outcome. When I try to help in a faster, delicate, and compassionate manner, I don’t only reach the point of self-satisfaction and patient’s as well. Then, I believe I initiated the wheel of caring. I expect the patient, as an individual, to do the same to another individual. This’s how I serve humanity! I’ll spare a man or woman more time to take care of their families, jobs, and contribution to civilization, just by being a better doctor, and a humbled person.

So, what makes us alike? For my family, they all grow a big belly after marriage. It’s not a beer belly, it’s the “fucking” belly. Indeed the trend to cluster into nations, communities, and families is very characteristic of human beings. We feel the threat of nature around us, we’re in a continues fight against it. I’m not surprised by the current behavior in destruction it, because this way we conquer and defeat volcanoes, earthquakes, and tsunamis. It’s like slapping and slapping back. Besides that, our instincts encourage us to be competitive. When we feel hopeless against mother earth, we direct our powers against each other. Dog eating dog, even when we feel defeated against higher authority like a senior doctor. In the end, it’s very amusing how we are all alike, share most of motivation, aims, behaviors, and manners, despite the big change in outer frame, even when we see things in different perspective. The human behavior passes the borders of race, gender, or ethnicity. 

The Origin of Humanity

Is it due to a common ancestor?  If the evolution is true, then why there’s no other intelligent life forms in earth beside us. It’s funny to criticize a theory which extends over two billion years, when first nucleated cells appeared. So, let’s trace briefly our family tree. Fifteen million years ago, the first great ape descended from the gibbon. We shouldn’t take things away from the context, everything is evolving. Intelligence, morals, behaviors and even religions are changing, advancing, and adapting to the surrounding atmosphere. We weren’t born the way we see each other’s now. The beginning was far away in history, around 200000 years, and we kept surviving and adapting to the nature. Thus, when you ask how come such a decent creature descended from monkeys, remember some primitive behaviors which some humans do. Also, remember this package wasn’t brought from heaven all sudden, but built through the ages of trial and error. There were at least fifteen ancestors since we’ve separated from the great apes. Some of those species were eliminated by other dominating one. So, survival of the fittest.

The big picture is really more holistic. We’re all, all the living and nonliving forms, made of star dusts. It’s funny killing somebody because of beliefs disagreement. And after generations the same exact atoms which built that the victim may contribute to your child's body. Would you kill your child then? I can’t understand why we shout at each other? Why do we show signs of force and power against each other? Why there is no peace among people of same eyes, mouths, noses, and ears. I mean like are we really that different to justify killing each other? Even though, I can’t comprehend the idea of killing a human being. It’s really shocking. If I would have killed all the men and women to live one day more from the sum of their lives, I just couldn’t. If shouting would prove my point or my power, somebody always would shout louder so he/she would be right. We’re not equal, for sure, but very similar.

Beside all things we have in common, all of us die. Just imagine, what is capable of killing all of us at once? Just imagine the amount of silence if all humans are gone. Would our apocalypse be a man-made, a natural disaster or something else? I remember an old cartoon TV show about a war, the third world war, in 2008 using magnetic weapons which destruct the earth and manipulate all of its magnetic fields. Yet, an island has survived, and life flourishes afterward. Anyway, if a nuclear war takes place, I’m afraid it wouldn’t leave any survival. Another possibility is another ice age, we’re not where better than dinosaurs if such a disaster happens, and it’s really possible. But the most preferable mode of extinction, for me, is being eliminated by another intelligent form; computers.

We are developing technology so fast that soon it can take over.  That doesn't matter.  I care the most about the possibility of a world which would be exclusive only for computers, where their initial creature, humans, would be eradicated. Would ultra-smart computer's wonder who did create them? Would they come up with the idea of god which we have now? Or are they smart enough to believe there is no as such as creator? Nevertheless, we humans created them in first place. This is a very beautiful paradox.

Humanity by Anda

The origin of Human by Ishton