الرجل القطة

Kitty Searching

أنا لستُ أنا، القط داخلي صار يلزم السكوت طويلاً. لا يعجبني مجرى الحديث، قفي قليلاً، و بعصا سحرية نحول القط إلى قطة. نقول: القطة التي بداخلي، خالفت عادتها بالثرثرة، و صارت تجفل صامتةً لبرهٍ متطاولة. القطةُ الأنثى تسكن الأدمي الذكر. كانت تستنشق رائحة الدمِ الأبيض، و نسيم الشباب بين أضلعي. هرمتُ على أن أركض ورائها، و شاب الشعرُ الأسود فوق نسيج الذاكرة. صارت تسبقني، و صرت أنسى القطة التي كانت ترشدني سبيلَ المنزلِ. و فجأةً أتنافضُ، زادت سبعةُ أرواحٍ على نصف روحي المجهدة. ألعق الحليب فوق جدران البريدِ، و أمضي تجرني خيوط الشمس فأجري ورائها، و أحسب أن الطريق ينتهي في مدارها. يفقد الرصيف تـحت رجليَّ الاثنتين رجولته، إلى مادةٍ أكثر ميوعة، فتصير لديَّ أربعة أرجل، و أموء، ميو ميو، إني أكرهُ الماءَ، إني أغرق. لماذا لا تعرف 

القططُ السباحة؟

عاف البلل سوءً بسيوف العزِ تحت أنفي، سحقاً لها لا تعرف التوازنَ. اهترأت خطواتي، تحت سطح الماء، و صار ثقل الأجسام، كعقلي، أخفَ وزناً. علَّ يسكنهٌ شيء من غازٍ نبيلٍ، كما سكنتُ جسمَ قطةٍ تسير تحت الماء، فأطير، معلناً معجزة القطةِ المسكونة الطائرة. لا، لا، قفي مطولاً، يغلب على حديثي تطبع الصحراء. كأني أتكلم و فوق فمي شماغٌ أحمر. أُحِس بذرات الرمال تقتحم حروفي. تطفأ جدوة النار التي تلهب الكلماتِ. لنحاول أن نحلق، دائما يجدي الطيران نفعاً، حتى مع القطط. لكني أدمي، و إن سكنت داخلي قطة. و عندما أقفز، أقفزُ أعلى، و أحاول الكرة، أقفز من شاهقٍ، و أسقط. اهتز ظلي، فصار باهتاً في عتمته، و 

جرحت كبريائي، فصار ينزفُ دماً أزرق.

رائحة الدم، تزعجني، ليته جرذٌ فوق الطريق، تهورَ، فَـدُهِسَ. بدأت أظافري بالنمو المطرد، كأنها مخالب. أنهش بها وجهي، و أمشط بها شعري. أجمع شتات فكري، أنا لا أطير بين الغيوم، أفكاري، أيتها الخرفان من دون راعٍ، تعالي فوق أرصفة الشارع، أنا لست المسيح أجمع الخراف، كي لا ينتهي بك المصير كما انتهى بالجرذ. عبق الدمِ تسلل لمكمنِ الفكرِ، و ايقظ داخلي غريزة العطشِ لمزيدٍ من السائلِ اللزجِ الأحمرِ. سأطارد ظلي، كأنه كرة الصوفِ، أقطّع أوصالهُ، فينزفُ و يروي ظمأي. أعلمُ أنك تريدين إيقافي، هل تفهمين مجرى حديثي فوق لساني؟ كرةُ الصوفِ لقطةٍ داخلي، كقرصِ النار اعتادت سماء الآدميين أكله. تـتـجشأ سمائكم متخمةً و تنام. و لازلتُ خارج المنزلِ، ضليل الدربِ.

المشكلةُ أصعب من أن تحل. سأحتضن الرصيف، و ينتظرُ سهادي متعبَ العينينِ، زائرَ الليلِ، ملاكاً يهب النومَ لمن يشاء.. و يسقني القهوةَ و يقول: اسهر... ليتها كـأسٌ صهباءُ و يناديني: اشربْ و اسكرْ... و غني، فتهب القطة التي داخلي، تبحث عن بنات الضوء، تقفُ و تطربُ الساهرةُ مثلها.. و يرميها أحدهمُ من نافدة مجاورة، بنعلٍ، و يقول اسكتي يا بنت الساحرة.. و تنزفُ القطةُ، هي ليست أنا، و أنا لستُ هيَ. ابكي لدمائها، فتلتم حولها قطط من أزقةٍ مجاورة. تذرف الدمَ ثمناً بخساً، و تدور حولها، و حولها، كأنها تعتق من عنجهية البشرِ، روحا ضلت طويلاً، و كانت في سبيلها الممتدِ طروبةً مرهفة.

22-4-2011

The picture is from my frined (killedinhersleep) you can the profile over here.. thanx a lot to her..

Rationalist

I wanted to publish a blank entry, maybe just punctuating marks. I am starting a new phase in my life, and first sign I complain of is time shortage. This article could be boring and medical oriented. However, I am human before being a medical student, and soon to be an intern. So, the writing could be my last trail to defy my human existence, as it’s really compromised. What keeps me human is my ability to imagine. Recently, I have been imprisoned inside reality cage. I always think I am immortal, this was reinforced by my dreams. I am really shocked, I am mortal.

You can’t plan for a blind end project. This is my major problem for now. I have to arrange for my elective abroad. So, I have to choose a rotations schedule that fits the following: my elective inside Saudi Arabia, and the one outside. However, the former should be before the selection exam for anesthesia in Saudi, and the later shouldn’t conflict with all my 3 or 4 other tests. In same time, it must be in April or May. So, I need only to figure out the assigned dates for the exam. This whole plan is based on one solo pillar: I want to work on anesthetist. What if I don’t in future?!

Ok, the rest of the article in punctuating marks. Believe me those made my life very easy, especially in the last 4 weeks. I am growing up, and again I don’t count my age as numbers, to avoid looking old, beside many other reasons. We established last weeks, that time is experiences not numbers. So, I experienced the feeling of whole family with me in Riyadh, for first time. The main concept in their presence is I am their sponsor, in particular my mother’s health issues (total knee replacement). I questioned in my first day, if six years in medical school, were sufficient to handle stressors successfully. In the end, I was a doctor.

We don’t walk to progress in life, we jump. Apparently, this is the season to decide how my life will be after 20 or 25 years at least. I made up my mind regarding the work and social position. Socially, Al-Ma’arri is appealing to me. He minimized his social interaction to be mostly excluded to his students. Indeed, a part of his isolation is contributed to his greatness. Though he was blind, he was pessimistic, like he could have seen the misery and reality of human beings by a visualizing eye. So, less interaction with humans is more time saving. And more time I have, more I can contribute to Al-Ma’arri legacy.

Attributing to Al-Ma’arri efforts, I may ask: why should we insist on bringing more humans to suffer this earthly hell? As far as I know, there is no heaven upstairs to make up for these disasters we may pass through in our solo lives. The other part of our misery is that children, according to the blind man, just inherit the troubles their parents had left for them. I could notice that when it comes to inherited blood diseases, on lesser perspective, and on religions on a larger one. What a sorrow, even for a newly born baby, there is no starting over point.

Dirac Equation

My part of the story wonders, what if I weren’t born. In end the, Al-Ma’arri ended up as a dust and manure, and so will I. The last sentence is not an answer. What if I were immortal? What if this life were just a dream? Then, why am I just thinking and fighting to survive? Is there an implied idea of immortality or after life inside human being’s instinct? This reminds me of one of my unanswered questions 2 weeks ago, where I wondered about atom’s particles speed. Indeed I should take a deep look to Bohr theory, and the quantum physics before daring to mention this topic. However, what I wanted to suggest is the possibility of the presence of energy, to some extent, inside each mass regardless its speed. If the speed of sub atomical particle is expressing high or low or any value of energy, then this energy could be what makes the soul or life inside the solid (or whatever liquid, gas) mass. This way, according to energy saving law, the soul is immortal as energy is, and that means our soul is transformed inside the atoms to other forms of existence, aka, reincarnation.

The whole article reflects a big time disturbance inside of me. Especially when I mix all the physics theories, the valid and non-valid to make an idea regarding soul. I am really disturbed, and part of this prevents me of doing my usual life activities. I need to write in order to live. I need to read in order to survive. And last weeks I couldn’t come up with any idea. Specially, I failed, terrifying failure, to write a poem, a literature article, and a speech, all are in Arabic. Maybe I just lost my ability to communicate in Arabia language. On the other hand, I really find myself lonelier, I find it more difficult to speak or express myself to others. I find myself more like Al-Ma’arri. 

I have nothing else to add

Appearances could be deceiving. Yesterday, 11-3-2011, I might be fooled by many exterior looks of people and superficial understanding of events. Beside my foolishness, it could be the longest day in my life. Despite all days are 24 hours long, which we spend a big deal of it sleeping, yesterday exceeded the 24 hours time.  I could prove that time is not an experience of quantitative value, 24 hours per say, as it’s the quality of what you pass through. Time is relative to the energy amount you spend on a particular moment. Back to E=MC2, which may explain what I mean, in the end there is speed, which consists of time and space. And for saving your time, I am not gonna tell you what events had happened, but the lessons I learned from them.

I may go a bit further and suggest that space is not as necessary as energy to time existence. I am not as brilliant as Einstein was, to formulate this in physical equation. However, if I spend more time thinking, and investing more energy in this topic, a conclusion may pop up in my mind. To tell the truth that what Einstein did, Energy is the higher form of mass (only masses which exceed the speed of the light square can be energy), and it always requires space and time to be existed. Anyway, a lot of energy was transformed in heat waves recently. Racism is the justification of maltreating others only because they are different. And it takes a lot of hate energy to be racist.

I am not over yet, bear with me for a minute please. I am sharing some experience with you. Saudi thieves are very chaotic. Regardless the theft, they aim to destroy and mess everything their hands or eyes reach. Specially, when they found nothing valuable to steal, they destruct everything else. You know, they act like very bold explorers. If the thief is poor, then it has something to do with finding out how middle, or higher classes do and life style. In the end, they reach the idea they can’t live this style, narcissism, so nobody else has the right to live it. Anyway, in my case, the chauffeur was injured and beaten, and nothing at all was stolen, except his wallets and car keys. For my surprise the car was standing still in its parking. That gives me a clue to: 1. those are not Saudis. 2. Most likely, it has something to do with personal revenge, like gambling, between him and people from same nationality.

To analyze or understand the stealer mentality we need to emphasis there is multifactor contributes to build criminal character. What criminal psychology tried, in last 60 or 70 years to establish, is predicting the occurrence of a criminal character in a normal individual. They suggested an association between anti-social personality disorder and criminal behavior. One criteria of this disorder, listed by WHO, is the incapability to experience the guilt feeling. Therefore, they are indifferent to punishment, and can’t profit from it. Other measure is gross and persistence attitude of ignoring social norms and obligations. A cause for all this mess couldn’t be found, especially with the lack of studies. To understand criminal mind more, we may devote a whole entry in next weeks regarding this topic.

Saudi thieves are nothing more than ordinary Saudi individuals. They live along with us, breath same air, inherit similar genes, learn exact manners, and acquire same traditions. I don’t wanna say that each one of us is a robber, lair, nor suffering of inferior look to oneself. But I am sure the thief discrimination toward rich people, and vice versa, is something in common between all of Saudis. Discrimination per say is not something related to Freud Psychoanalysis theory, or children abuse, or the stupid hot climate. It’s the fear and intolerance of the other. I was shocked when 13 or 14 years old boy talked to my intellectual friend, saying that Shia is the source of all evils in Saudi. I bet this guy wouldn’t hesitate to kill Shias or others if he became armed. This is not antisocial behavior, or psychopathy. It’s an attitude reinforced by the whole atmosphere around him which instructs him to be aware and cautious. No wonder when individuals are racist, as the government, in the first place, is the same.

To sum it all; first of all, the fact that I don’t hold Saudi ID has nothing to do with my mother’s nationality. The other rumor states that 2 or 4 Saudi men attacked the family’s chauffeur. I have to investigate that further, but I think it’s not true. Also, the fact that I changed my style and hair dressing doesn’t mean I am getting engaged soon, nor I’m influenced by Lady Gaga. The presence of an intellectual friend in my life is necessary to understand and analyzed the gossips around me. The last rumor, I’m raciest because my skin tone is fair, or coming from a higher class electa, is unfortunately true... I told you earlier, appearances are deceiving, and who could tell that I am racist? I have nothing else to add.