Troubled Mind

My mind is troubled, and my heart is aching. Honestly, I’m running out of words, yet my brain is crowded with many thoughts, and questions. I’m failing to write what or how I feel. I’m afraid of failing many other quests in my life beside writing. It’s a bit paradox that I write about my failure in writing. Anyway, what if I could answer every question that popped up in my mind? What if I could foresight the future? What if I don’t fail?

Fear alerts me the most. I’m feeling like a deer, which is encircled by many hunters, and can’t find a way out. The fear of being lost, in this huge universe or the tiny atoms, is occupying my thoughts. All I can do is keep wondering how insignificant humans are. Yet, I can’t neglect how massive the feelings inside my little body. Nevertheless, the sensation of being small persists, since my feelings compromise my existence.

Where is the earth heading to? I imagine the universe like a chess board. Very gigantic one, but has borders, and every movement is limited to special regulations. However, I’m sure if there was a steering wheel for our little planet, humans would hit the closest sphere to us. Where am I heading to? In next four months, I should drive my own little world to the safe shores. Sinking or hitting others is not allowed. I would rely on my relative monkeys genes, to avoid human’s foolishness.  

Whole mess could be solved, if I have the absolute knowledge for everything. First thing I want to figure out is what others think. Apparently, I’m ambitious to acquire some divine power. I could tell how old and big the universe is. I could know what exactly myself wants. It’s a bit funny to seek understanding others, while I’m very doubtful of my motivations and desires. “It takes some fear to trust.” Then, I wouldn’t stop in front of any questions. Then I wouldn’t fear any blind spot. Eventually, I would miss the excitement of being right or wrong. I would live tasteless life without mystery. 

I should handle the possibility of being mistaken, with ease. Life is not like physics where laws predict every probable outcome. In two months, I learned that failure is a possibility. It was like dividing over zero, but now it’s real. The world wouldn’t collapse if I mess up. Yet my world has already been shaken and stunned. I’m not the center of the universe, I’m not the ever shining star, I’m just a regular guy who would dice and dice blindly, until I win my gamble, or lose in most of the times. Therefore, no tear is to be spilled, when the chances give me a cold shoulder.

How real I’m if I’m not sure of my thoughts. It’s really troublesome when I neglect my whole presence due to that fact. René Descartes says: “I think, therefore I am.” The most certainty a human being may experience is the ability of processing thoughts. Since the absolute evidence of existence is the presence of a functioning brain. That means those who can’t think are not real. Also, you only are certain about your own thoughts, since you can’t tell if others think. This way I can build a whole world inside my brain. That world has to be true, even if it’s not physical, because it’s produced by my brain. Yet, to prove our existence, we could be an idea inside somebody else brain.

Yeah, I’m living inside my own world. Other way around if I’m only sure of my existence, then nobody else is real. Thus, I’m alone in this world. Furthermore, I’m afraid of dying alone. I can’t foresight the future. Otherwise, I would undo many done mistakes. Would that alter my destiny? Less likely, regardless all the cautions and measurements to prevent a disaster, its occurrence is irrelevant to our mistake. It’s an incidence which is independent by itself.  In the end, nothing was wrong except the time and the place. And if the place wasn’t invented, then time wouldn’t be initiated.