My mind is troubled, and my heart
is aching. Honestly, I’m running out of words, yet my brain is crowded with
many thoughts, and questions. I’m failing to write what or how I feel. I’m
afraid of failing many other quests in my life beside writing. It’s a bit
paradox that I write about my failure in writing. Anyway, what if I could
answer every question that popped up in my mind? What if I could foresight the
future? What if I don’t fail?
Fear alerts me the most. I’m feeling
like a deer, which is encircled by many hunters, and can’t find a way out. The
fear of being lost, in this huge universe or the tiny atoms, is occupying my
thoughts. All I can do is keep wondering how insignificant humans are. Yet, I
can’t neglect how massive the feelings inside my little body. Nevertheless, the
sensation of being small persists, since my feelings compromise my existence.
Where is the earth heading to? I
imagine the universe like a chess board. Very gigantic one, but has borders,
and every movement is limited to special regulations. However, I’m sure if
there was a steering wheel for our little planet, humans would hit the closest
sphere to us. Where am I heading to? In next four months, I should drive my own
little world to the safe shores. Sinking or hitting others is not allowed. I
would rely on my relative monkeys genes, to avoid human’s foolishness.
Whole mess could be solved, if I
have the absolute knowledge for everything. First thing I want to figure out is
what others think. Apparently, I’m ambitious to acquire some divine power. I
could tell how old and big the universe is. I could know what exactly myself
wants. It’s a bit funny to seek understanding others, while I’m very doubtful of
my motivations and desires. “It takes some fear to trust.” Then, I wouldn’t
stop in front of any questions. Then I wouldn’t fear any blind spot.
Eventually, I would miss the excitement of being right or wrong. I would live
tasteless life without mystery.
I should handle the possibility
of being mistaken, with ease. Life is not like physics where laws predict every
probable outcome. In two months, I learned that failure is a possibility. It
was like dividing over zero, but now it’s real. The world wouldn’t collapse if
I mess up. Yet my world has already been shaken and stunned. I’m not the center
of the universe, I’m not the ever shining star, I’m just a regular guy who
would dice and dice blindly, until I win my gamble, or lose in most of the
times. Therefore, no tear is to be spilled, when the chances give me a cold
shoulder.
How real I’m if I’m not sure of
my thoughts. It’s really troublesome when I neglect my whole presence due to
that fact. René Descartes says: “I think, therefore I am.” The most certainty a
human being may experience is the ability of processing thoughts. Since the
absolute evidence of existence is the presence of a functioning brain. That
means those who can’t think are not real. Also, you only are certain about your
own thoughts, since you can’t tell if others think. This way I can build a
whole world inside my brain. That world has to be true, even if it’s not
physical, because it’s produced by my brain. Yet, to prove our existence, we
could be an idea inside somebody else brain.
Yeah, I’m living inside my own
world. Other way around if I’m only sure of my existence, then nobody else is
real. Thus, I’m alone in this world. Furthermore, I’m afraid of dying alone. I
can’t foresight the future. Otherwise, I would undo many done mistakes. Would
that alter my destiny? Less likely, regardless all the cautions and
measurements to prevent a disaster, its occurrence is irrelevant to our
mistake. It’s an incidence which is independent by itself. In the end, nothing was wrong except the time
and the place. And if the place wasn’t invented, then time wouldn’t be initiated.
